As the night faded

[SFOD-D JA]

-EDITED story, see bottom of this post-

It was beautiful out, on the transition night between Friday and Saturday, we were able to get an all nighter with a few people. Despite having to work at 10:30 am on Sunday, I had to go... My new CA33E (G3A3) came in and I had to show it some love...

We played about six or seven one/two hour games, and the tale of valor I have to tell, this morning is one of Sergeant Hubbard, of the 2nd Ranger Battalion...

It was three on 5, the officers vs. the enlisted... I had with me Sgt. Hubbard, Specialist Goodman, and two GBB equipped younger players.

I had my team take an "L" shape around the maze, but not inside it, as we were playing with the people who BUILT the maze and further more the Christmas lights we strung up were shining, as if Christmas was paying an early visit to the maze...

It was a while before any real combat took place... I ended up eliminating Lt. Bowen, when his supposed team left him to die.. (Mwahahah)... We were exiting the maze when the rest of Lt. Bowen's team were moving to engage the rest of my expectedly inferior unit...

I remember Lt. Bowen telling me...

"Chris (Sgt. Hubbard) is coming up behind them with the M79...."

And at that instant, there was an earth rattling BOOM... and right then I knew we had won...

My compliments to Sgt. Hubbard for effectively tracking the enemy and eliminating both Cpt. Moore and Treadway* with EXTREME predjudice...

Thanks,

Sergeant Joseph Abed
2nd Ranger Battalion

[Treadway is another Airsofter we play with.]

-EDIT- (By popular demand... Sort of...)

Shakily breathing, I couldn't help to think about the rest of my team, who waited amongst omnipotent shadows casted by the moonlight... We took positions in an "L" shaped defensive formation within the forest, near the complex, waiting for the enemy...

Unsure of the time that had past, I had to check on the rest of the team... Two of us began the journey down the path behind the complex, patches of light taunted our intentions... However, it was a necessity to cross and we would not be stopped... We came to a section where the light dare not shine and the path became but brush and foilage... My ears hastily perked, how ever odd that may be, as a twig could be heard breaking underfoot of what seemed to be a faceless figure, exiting the complex... In that instant all became silent and all motion cease, in its wake traveled a barrage of expended ammunition, catching my companion twice before we split up for better cover...

I had lost all contact with my companion and ran back to my position at the angle portion of our uncouth "L." As I ran, my feet pounded the ground with unforeseen brutality that any one was certain to hear... Near my allotted position I slowed my pace to a crawl and tried to clear my body of its pending exhaustion... I lay nested within vine and brush outside one of the complex's many entrances and thats when I first glared upon my enemy... Dressed in modern clad, armed with what seemed to be a customized M4A1, he scoped out the area before him... It seemed odd that there would be one man alone, and so I waited for his next move...

He turned to regard my position, though hindered by nature's shadow, he did not see me... As he began to pass onto the path that I had recently trod, I stood and unleashed two, three round bursts into his side... He dropped to the ground, lifeless...

My impetuousness took control over me and I entered the complex single handely... It wasn't moments after before I felt the cold influence of death enter my mind... Three rounds to the upper back, I took... I fell in a spin that left my back to the ground and did my best to slide myself to a wall with in the complex. My enemies, two in size, disregarded my existence and moved into positions facing the opposite direction... I was able to set myself against the wall in an upright fashion, all I could do is wait for death himself to take me... that's when I then saw my savior, my companion that I had lost contact with during our reconnaissance of our "L" shaped perimeter... With a quick flick of his finger, he set loose an earth shaking M79 discharge into the backs of my attackers... I looked up, feeling a sense of peace... Our victory was soon to be secure... As the night faded.



I applaud you, if you read through everything... I hope this edit is more to the standard.

My companion was Sgt. Hubbard, team recon leader.

Thanks,

Sergeant Abed
2nd Ranger Battalion

[Now if that karma smiting I experienced is simply because I wrote a poor first version, I am very displeased with some of the people here... Make suggestions before you take action... Have an open mind, I am new to the boards...]

[Ice]

Besides using Military rank in a degrading sadistic way, this is one of the most painful things I have ever read.

[Moose]

Seriously though, you gotta work on your storytelling.

[Gestapo]

great story, but lay off the ranks......

[ghost457]

gestapo762 said:

great story, but lay off the ranks......

exactly, and it does sound kinda boring, like you guys just sat there while he took out the 2 bad guys, maybe add some details into it

[Magua Son]

2ndrbja said:

I had my team take an L shape around the maze, but not inside it, as we were playing with the people who BUILT the maze and further more the christmas lights we strung up were shining, as if christmas was paying an early visit to the maze...

It should be more descriptive like so...

...we were all breathing exhaustingly as we had sprinted for hours to find the wicked sadistic terrorist scum. Hubbard raised his gun and sighted in two terrorist flanking hard to the rear, as he gave the hand signal our eyes lit up knowing we had the advantage. You should never underestimate your enemy though...


Yea something like that would be awesome, but just a little more descriptive would've worked.

[Moose]

Exactly. Read some of the stories. Use the good ones for examples, and all of the bad ones have ways to make them better. I'm sure you could have had a great story if you would have used some adjectives and gone more into the details. Try to create some drama, instead of just laying down the facts.

EDIT-

For example, instead of saying, "It was beautiful out", say something about the sun beating down, the breeze against your face, etc.

[SFOD-D JA]

Well, from some of the other stories, I felt it didnt need to be that descriptive... But Ill re-write it...

Forgive me,

Sergeant Abed
2nd Ranger Battalion

[Knife]

Well that is mainly because most stories are written poorly. Check out the stories Hilltop Exercise, The Pines and, The Road to Dushanbe. These stories, and a couple more that I am to lazy to list I believe are actually worth reading. They described the battle more than you did and was more clear. I did not get the best picture of how it actually ended.

[tZ]

ever play max-payne?

Post your story in simularity to the descriptive detail in that game - during the story telling.

It will make it a bit more successfull and interesting.

[SFOD-D JA]

Thanks for the suggestions with out the karma smiting, I've edited my initial post.

[Moose]

Wow, that is so much better. It did a LOT better job of painting a picture in my mind, of putting me into the experience. That is what the stories are supposed to do. Good job .

[Sniper Wolf]

The revised version is awesome Joey- I couldnt have told the story better myself.

A job very well done my friend.

Sergeant Chris Hubbard
2nd Ranger Battallion

[Magua Son]

Revised version is sweet, good going dude

[Gestapo]

nice job man! that was aweomse, really pulled me into it.