The War to end all wars

[worldwar2guy]

Grenade!
I yelled as the green cylinder hit the dirty ground and rolled around. I dove behind the nearest tree. My comrade franticly looking for somewhere to hide. Then he dove at the same time there was a defining BOOM! That came from the cylinder.
We jumped out of the black SUV, guns loaded; teams made, and ready to play. We ventured off into the dark swampy woods the two teams broke apart and made bases, our base was simple we just made wood piles and hid behind them waiting for the terrorists to plant the bomb.
At about 1600 hours I was sent out to patrol the enemy’s base. As I searched the area I saw a slight movement on my left flank. I slowly turned only to see four terrorists trying to sneak up to the ammo dump and plant the bomb. The second I saw this I quickly dove behind a tall thick tree and radioed my team and warned them of what I just saw.
Upon returning to our woodpiles I found all my comrades shot and the bomb ticking down, 10...9...8...7. I did the only thing I could I picked it up and through it as high and far as I could. I watched as the bomb blew up in the air.
We had won the battle (so I thought.) Seconds later I heard shoots and saw all four terrorists jump out from different woodpiles. I knew I was done for I shot at everything that moved, but it wasn’t over yet.
Then I saw it the tiny green object floating through the air toward me.
Grenade!
I yelled as it bounced around on the ground I dove behind the nearest woodpile there was. I watched it blow tiny green B.Bs flying everywhere. Five seconds later I came out from my wood pile surprisingly not hit.
I was so happy I forgot about the terrorist for a second. Then I heard a gun and felt a sting on my thigh I was hit. I fell to the ground as three more white B.Bs hit my back. I was out I had lost it for my team.

[Knief]

B for effort
D- for execution

You're only 15, so you've still got a little time to learn how to write a narrative. Try reading more novels, that's the best way to learn how to write well. Example: describing the tree as tall and thick doesn't do much for the reader. It's a tree, they're tall, that's covered in calling it a tree. How thick is it? Could you wrap your arms around it? Is it one of those redwoods that they cut tunnels through instead of re-routing the road? Good descriptions are key to good stories.

Also, work on your vocabulary. "The bomb blew up in the air" sounds like a four year old wrote it. Why didn't it detonate or explode? Once again, you need better descriptions. How high in the air? You threw it (note: "through" means to pass from one side of an object to another without going around, "threw" is the past tesnse of "to throw," which is what you do to a ball or a baby) as high as you could, but how high is that? How strong are you? Part of your vocabulary is good adjectives and other means of description. Don't just throw on as many baby adjectives as you can (color, number, "big," "loud," etc). Use similies, like "The tree was as thick as _______."

"My comrade franticly looking for somewhere to hide"

That isn't a sentence. You need a comma in between comrade and frantically. Once you do that, you need a verb for your comrade to do. Or, you can change the tense of "look" to match it to the action, and the sentence becomes "My comrade frantically looked for somewhere to hide."

Re-write your story and see what you come up with. Right now it's pretty much junk.

[worldwar2guy]

I'm about as sharp as a baseball. That's why I used stupid text speak. for the feed back

[Zorak]

You know, if I had just been roundly criticized for failures of spelling and punctuation, and I wanted to communicate an interest in improving, I would have typed out the full "Thanks for the feedback." But then, I have an intense personal commitment to not being a fucktard. Others may feel differently.