#1 You change from past to present tense constantly. #2 The story is told from both omniscient and third person prospective. #3 Barely any detail. Show, don't tell.
The plot is rough and nonsensical. The world ends, there are zobies, and for some reason a random group of people (that happen to be Army Rangers) are sent into a winery to turn power on. There is a bridge inside the building?
Here's what lack of detail does: Each one of the "Rangers" are 90 year old women with grey hair. The winery is built to resemble a space station. The "zombies" all look like Burt Reynolds. Their "guns" are all civil war muskets.
The word choices are those of an average COD playing middle school child.
To make the plot better, add background and rationality. Just because there are zombies doesn't mean that things do not make logical sense.
Also, this board is for airsoft stories. I'm assuming that this is vaguely based on a game thqt happened at the Winery. That needs to be in here somehow, or else this looks like something you put together for a creative writting class.
The story was so traumatizing to all of my senses that I forced myself forget about this. I only remembered it when it saw that it had received some replies.
My initial thoughts were; "Dude, what the blazes is this?!? How could it exist on MiA for more than an nanosecond without the mods stamping this thread out of existence? What kind of world do I live in?!? I'm just going to go back to bed and die there until I forget that this existed... "