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Post by Relarz on May 30, 2008 10:44:25 GMT -5
My instinct isn't wrong about this one, a mod will temp ban you if they catch this, bud. They may post it for you if you ask em nicely, though.
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Post by Jumprefusal on May 30, 2008 10:46:25 GMT -5
Oh noes he didn't read the rules!! |
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Post by Munin on May 30, 2008 14:17:54 GMT -5
And in addition to the 7-day ban, I SMITE THEE!
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Post by Jumprefusal on May 30, 2008 14:29:13 GMT -5
He had permission, unlocked and Ban lifted. In the future if you have permission please say so if your account is young  |
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Post by Thor on May 30, 2008 14:46:47 GMT -5
Exalted for a not too bad story, and to undo Munin's premature smiting. I know I hate it when I'm premature.  |
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Post by Zorak on May 30, 2008 16:23:32 GMT -5
The dew had settled on the undergrowth, creating the shine only a crystal can produce If only a crystal can produce that shine, why was it coming from dew? |
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Post by Munin on May 30, 2008 18:07:03 GMT -5
Oh gods, premature ensmitulation! The embarrassment! In any case, I shall make up for it by saying I EXALT THEE!!! And in an hour, Talisman is going to get a smite for causing all this ruckus.
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Post by Talisman on May 30, 2008 19:10:58 GMT -5
Oi!
Why Meh?
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Post by Chaseman on May 30, 2008 20:23:25 GMT -5
Good story and happy birthday Mc Nooblet
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Post by Dahm on Jun 2, 2008 0:47:29 GMT -5
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The trees of the forest creaked under the pressure of the impending wind and gave way to its power. As the trees gave way to the wind, the weeds gave way to the weight of eight heavy boots, swiftly forcing their way into the heart of the forest.
///
A high school or college level English teacher or professor would complain about this pair of sentences because it is redundant. By saying "As the trees gave way to the wind" its just repeating "The trees of the forest creaked under the pressure of the impending wind" in a slightly shorter way. I don't really see a need to say it a second time, but you could use something such as "As the wind howled/blustered, the weeds gave....."
Also, the word impending is a verb, and is used to describe something that hasnt happened yet. Therefore, "gave way to its power" doesnt really work, since the impending wind hasnt happened if its impending.
Not to be too negative here but:
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A lonely helicopter flew overhead, protecting its objectives below. The operators below felt a sense of security and well being as the faint sound of their hovering guardian struck their ears.
The silence and peacefulness of the surrounding woodland was a mere distraction. The men had work to do, but bloodshed or conflict seemed laughable in such a glorious setting.
///
These two segments bothered me because with this helicopter protecting the men, I feel as though its hard to paint the rest of the picture as silent, serene, and peaceful.
Firstly, the helicopter is meant as a powerful protective force. Using lonely is contradicts that.
Secondly, "faint sound of the hovering..." Helicopters to me means lound, and gusty air blowing everywhere
Thirdly, "silence and peacefulness of the surrounding woodland" doesnt fit to me. With a helicopter, everything just feels too hectic, gusty, and powerful to add that in. Its more a personal thing though.
Fourthly, "but bloodshed or conflict seemed laughable in such a glorious setting." I dont see what youre getting at. Normally it would be the other way around. The fact that these men are going to kill should yield a glorious setting even existing be laughable. However, in the present glorious setting, bloodshed and conflict wouldnt be laughable, but more something not to be yearned for. Stress how much they like the current surrounding, and how they would rather be there than killing, instead of them laughing at it.
I think its a good story overall but could use some editing. Im excited to see the new version of it soon. Dont take my comments too personally, I think you have good writing skill, but remember that the best way to allow the reader to feel as though they are part of the scene is to use all five senses in your writing, all the time.
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Post by Relarz on Jun 2, 2008 6:41:25 GMT -5
Also, the word impending is a verb, and is used to describe something that hasnt happened yet. Therefore, "gave way to its power" doesnt really work, since the impending wind hasnt happened if its impending. Uh... what? Impending is not a verb, its an adjective being used to describe THE wind, making "wind" a noun. The only thing that strikes me as odd, is when I think of a tree giving way, I think of hurricane-force winds ripping them from the ground. Every other point made by Dahm is accurate though. A little more proofreading could make the story quite better. |
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Post by Knief on Jun 2, 2008 18:13:48 GMT -5
Time for school. Impending can be an adjective, just as almost all -ing verb forms. It's the imperfective active participle of the verb, and it acts as an adjectival modifier. This verb form creates a separate clause within the sentence that then acts as a noun on it's own. In this case, the whole noun-clause acts as an adjectival modifier of "pressure," since it describes what that pressure is (i.e. the pressure from the wind). Then that whole unit from "under" through "wind" is a prepositional phrase, triggered by the preposition "under." The following "and" starts an entirely new clause, which attempts to gap in a ton of stuff from different levels of the previous clauses.
There are two reasons why it sounds awkward. First, you're gapping and substituting from different clause levels of the rest of the sentence. There's so little in that clause that the reader has to do too much thinking to figure out what the missing pieces are. This is a common problem in verbose writing. Learn how to write more concisely and you won't run into it nearly as often.
Second, and more importantly, impending is the wrong fucking word. Impending means something will happen in the future. Regardless of tense, it means that something in the time line of the story hasn't happened yet, and will certainly happen in the future of the current time of the story. At 9pm on a summer night, a sunset may seem impending. When you're diagnosed with AIDS, death is impending (unless you're Magic Johnson). Now, that doesn't mean that something impending can't affect the present. I can fear my impending death, or await the impending sunset. However, the impending sunset can't darken the sky, and my impending death can't stop my heart. Likewise, impending wind can't make the trees creak. Thundering wind can make trees creak, as can howling, biting, or powerful wind. But impending wind just can't make trees creak because it hasn't touched the trees yet. It has yet to come.
When you're writing a narrative, or really anything of length that you want people to read, you should take these two pieces of advice. Use a dictionary and a thesaurus. Use the dictionary to make sure you're using the right word for the thing you mean. If you use the wrong word, your entire meaning is lost. Use the thesaurus so you don't keep repeating the same words over and over.
"The trees of the forest creaked under the pressure of the impending wind and gave way to its power. As the trees gave way to the wind, the weeds gave way to the weight of eight heavy boots, swiftly forcing their way into the heart of the forest."
"Way" three times in two sentences is way too many. Worse than that, using the same verb "gave way" in two sentences back to back is way too distracting. When you keep using the same word over and over, your audience will notice and won't read your passage the way you want them too. It's boring, unimaginative writing, and bad writers need to find a way to get away from that. There are way too many words out there to use the same one way too many times.
You see how awkward that is? Well it was hard as hell to write. When you know how to use more words, writing becomes a hell of a lot easier.
The second thing you need to do is proof read your narrative for sentence structure problems. In high school, they teach you how to proof read for commas and spelling. And while nobody likes to leave a "teh" in their piece, that's not what proof reading is all about. You need to read through your paper and check to make sure that every sentence makes sense. That means changing modifiers for a better meaning, reworking clause order to make sure your gapping and pronoun use is clear. You need to get rid of any extra words. If you use a periphrastic verb forms, try to find a better, single-word verb. The same goes for whole phrases. Do whatever you can to shorten your sentences. Complex sentences are great and completely necessary, but that doesn't mean they need to be long winded. When you read, pay attention to how concise the writers are.
School's out.
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Post by Nexus on Jun 2, 2008 19:30:46 GMT -5
Common guys..... was that really necessary? He was trying to share something he created, and was proud of, and you quite frankly seemed to have gone overboard on him. (Unless I missed it somewhere, where he was adamantly defending his word usage).
STRAIGHT OUT OF THE RULES SECTION...
I think we have missed something here. While it is absolutely wonderful that there are some people who have a vast knowledge of English grammar, and while we are all very happy that you are smart... This isn't the spelling bee forum, or some critical writing forum.... this is an airsoft forum. This is a place where we share silly stories of shooting our friends with toy guns. Give the guy a break. I'm not sure I want to post the wee story I have contrived, due to some grammar thugs beating my mistakes through my nose. Constructive criticism is one thing.... it just seemed a little like bashing to me.
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Post by Jumprefusal on Jun 2, 2008 20:24:28 GMT -5
Time for school. Impending can be an adjective, just as almost all -ing verb forms. It's the imperfective active participle of the verb, and it ac........... Right about there I wanted to jump off a cliff. Damn Knief keeps tryin' to learn us stuff. |
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Post by Knief on Jun 2, 2008 20:57:06 GMT -5
Am I the only one on here who cares why we say the things the way we do?
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